For almost my whole life I have felt stuck, in some way or another but most of the time it is in reference to what I wanted to do for a living. When I was younger as far back as I can remember I wanted to be a marine biologist, I wanted to study at Woods Hole Institution. I was inspired by Robert Ballard, famously known for finding the Titanic.
As I read more and more, I began to develop a fear of the unknown, I was fine with the creatures I could see, it was the ones that I couldn’t that scared me. So in scared myself out of a career.
I got older time went by and I had stopped thinking about my future until I turned 13. I wanted to be a guitarist, I wanted to be up on stage and I wanted to feel that rush. I would put my head phones on when I was lying in bed and lip sing and air guitar along and pretend I was playing on a big stage.
One year I got a guitar from my mom for my birthday and I started playing it like crazy. I couldn’t read sheet music, so learning songs was a lot harder so I started making my own.
Around 15 I found out about web design and I loved to learn it, no real reason why, it was just fun to me. I had no real ambition to do it for a living at first, but I started getting better. Around 16 I fell in love with it, at 18 I was going to go to college for web design. Then I was felt a blow as I was signing up, I was too late to the game, the job market had been flooded with web designers and it wasn’t paying enough so colleges started to do away with the course.
I was sure, deep down in my heart that was what I was meant to do. I walked away from web design disheartened. That was probably the biggest mistake of my life. I should have never given up on that dream.
Years went by I would get into it again here and there but only to play around and learn the new stuff. I started playing around in graphic design just for fun and I also felt like I need to know about it for websites that I had been designing.
Through all the years and the struggles life has thrown at me since music, web design and art design have always been the things I have killed time with.
I would like to say I have it all figured out but I don’t. I am still as lost as the day I was told that being a web designer was a poor career. Every morning I wake up to go scrub toilets and clean up after others, all because I didn’t say “Fuck them, I will do it anyways.” I have tried in my 30’s not to say no. I have missed out on so much because of fear.
I am stuck.. And somedays I feel helpless and someday a I feel empowered to live my dream. But still after all of these years and knowing that I have missed out on so much, Fear has still got me by the neck.
Take it from someone who drowns from fear almost every day. Get up, Get out, and do something.