“On fire for Jesus!”, “WWJD?”, “Moved by the Holy Spirit.” Terms I used in my younger years, I don’t think I could use them now. Not for the sake of using outdated terms or sounding like a youth group leader. I just don’t think the same way anymore.
There was a time I could tell you I felt the Holy Spirit, there were times I would be moved to tears because I swore I head Jesus call out to me. I miss those days. It’s not that I don’t believe, because I do. But it is because I don’t feel it anymore.
It’s kind of like in the past during break ups when I have been told she just wasn’t in love with me anymore. I didn’t understand that then but I understand it now. I am not say I don’t love God or Christ, it’s just I don’t feel it back.
“Oh how I have prayed on bended knee,
Asking you to come rescue me,
End this war within my soul,
I am not sure if my heart can take anymore.”
I prayed a lot when I was younger and I had felt him then. But now I just feel like I am talking to a ceiling. I pissed him off, I don’t doubt that but what I struggle with the most is if he did everything Jesus said he did then why, when I need him the most has he left me to suffer in sin?
Maybe it is because my family doesn’t go to church. Maybe it is because lately I have been changing my views on the world and how a loving Christian should look at it. I don’t know I don’t have the answer. I know there will be people out there that say “I will pray for you every night, blah blah”
“I have been in prayer for far too long,
Hoping to find you were here all along,
Maybe one day we will sit down and talk,
Say you never gave up hope for my soul.”
I honestly feel like I have done enough praying in the past so I haven’t done it regularly in years. I don’t need the go to speech about faith, I don’t, I don’t want to hear it or need it. All I want to know is if he still listens or if he still cares. No person can tell me that, no human can.
I will never stop believing, even if I never hear from him until the day that I die. For me it is impossible for me to give up faith.