In my recent search for truth the further away I feel like I am losing my faith I am pulled back to one single thought, “I am loved.”.
I don’t believe I can ever lose faith.. think about it. Faith in this case is knowing in the unseen. I will always know He is real and what was done for me.
“Why am I going through this?”
This question I have asked myself quite a bit. I don’t want to stop believing, even if I could. But I think the guilt of my thoughts erodes away with the certainty that I am not questioning God but rather questioning Christianity it’s self.
This I know has been done before. I am seeking for a truth that is buired beneath layers of tradition and discipline. I am peeling back layers of “truths” to find my savior and my deity. It is hard because of the constant feeling of guilt and the feeling of doom I may have placed on my soul.
“Why would our creator give us free will if He didn’t want us to question everything?”
I feel guilt because I am questioning who God is, what is and was His motives? Is it possible He isn’t what we think Him to be? What if we have this all wrong? All the while knowing where my faith is. Can I still be a Christian and still have thoughts outside of what the church deems acceptable?
I think I can, or at least I hope I can. There is a hole in my spiritual life that I can’t seem to fill. I remember when I was younger praying so hard to feel that tingle up my spine or feel a warmth on my skin like from the sun. I prayed hard and I prayed loud. I have since gone to virtually hardly praying at all. Does this make me less of a Christian?
I have gone from praying to lookin for answers with the same amount of passion.
“I don’t believe I can ever lose faith..”
It would be hard mentally to just wake up and say “Yeah, its all bul shit.”. I don’t think it could be easy. I have lived my entire life sure that I have a creator, a God. I could never just purposely forget Him. I could say because He has given me children or good health or whatever else I could come up with, but the fact it I have never had a personal spiritual experience with Him. He has never came to me in a dream nor have I heard His voice or those of His angels.
I believe because I do. I question because I can. I may not be a Christian to some but I know He loves me enough to come down and endure torture and hell for me. God has given me free will to not follow blindly behind a priest or pastor. He has given me the ability to see so that I can dissect what is the “truth” and what is true.
Thank you for reading.