I have not been a good Christianor person. I think coming to terms with who I am and where my place is in this world of the physical, spiritual and moral is more like coming to terms with the fact I am a horrible person.
Putting aside for a moment that Jesus heals and saves. I am doomed as a person who hasn’t anything to offer this world. That doesn’t mean I don’t try to find my place to fit in, it just means I feel helpless to find what I can offer. The last few years, well after my wife graduated with her doctorate in pharmacy I have been grabbing frantically for a place to stick.
I have spent most of my life beating myself down because I am a sinner. So much to the point I honestly believe (this is not me being dramatic) that I am good for absolutely nothing. I drive my wife nuts because I start something and don’t finish it but it isn’t because I don’t want to, it is because that voice in my head telling me I am a piece of shit and good for nothing. So I give up.
I think I have been living my life trying to prove my self worth to my self and anyone who will listen, and that is no way to live. Religion has destroyed my self worth. It is as simple as that. I have read all of the passages about how God loves me for me and so on so forth. But it all boils down to being told I am a sinner and there is nothing I can do about it.
I said in my last post about not being able to hear God. A reader posted some scripture and some kind words which were welcomed. I need to hear God. The state I am mentally and spiritually I just need to hear Him say I am okay, or feel a pat on the back. I don’t need to hear Him to know He exist I just need to know I am okay and doing the best I can.
I have no doubt that God is real. I doubt I matter as much as I am lead to believe.
There will always be that longing in my heart to be with Him, that is the honest truth.