So I really didn’t plan for this whole “The Faith Switch” series thing and if I had I would have chosen a better name. Because to be honest it is a little stupid and bait clicky, oh well too late now.
Now to sound even more christianese I am going to quote lyrics from a Christian rock band. Sing it if you know it!
“I am losing hope, there is a hole in my heart that has been cut out of stone, Cold comes cold goes, could you fill this hole cause I can’t do this alone.” – The Classic Crime
Pretty great lyrics right? I think so too. That is how I have been feeling lately. I think about how I used to be spiritual and excited compared to now and it just makes me sad.
Is there something I could have done? Probably, I could have gone to church more I could have said a formal prayer more often instead of having the occasional chat with the Big Guy. But really how much does that matter? If He really knows our hearts does it even matter at all? I am not saying I couldn’t benefit from those things because I probably could.
I guess my biggest problem (and correct me if I am wrong) is that I feel like Church is a snake oil scam. I believe churches(no matter how big) care more about getting tithes in door then they do church members. Then when you tell your pastor or leader you don’t have the money to tithe they give you a guilt trip and have you questioning if you really love your Savior or not. Then tell you people who tithe regularly receive all kinds of blessings from God.(snake oil!!!)
So how do I get fellowship if I can’t feel like the church really cares? If fellowship (as I have been told) is one of the key parts of spiritual growth how can I get it?
I may be over paranoid with my money hungry church theory but that is how I feel. I have tried going to churches and they either want that paper or they put me to sleep with monotone pastors and overly hyped monotone guest speakers. That talk about how favored by God they are because they drop everything and go on missions trips. Or how they confessed all their sins and now they drive around in Bentleys.
Most of the stuff I talk about I can work through and come up with a solution, but this not so much. This has been a very frustrating part of my spiritual life. Along with my inability to pray as much as I should. I wish I could have the Faith to move mountains and cure sickness, how cool would it be to slap some mud on a gun shot wound and be like “BAMM! You’re healed!” and walk away like a boss.
I have faith there is a God and that Jesus did what he did on that cross for me and I wound gladly die for that faith. So why do I feel like it isn’t enough? Why do I feel like I have been letting my Creator down this whole time? Jesus said all that was needed was to believe in Him for salvation. And yet here I am questioning if I have enough.
Is there hope and salvation for this sinner or did God give up because I didn’t pray enough or go to church and tithe like I should.
I sure hope not.