“Forgive us as we forgive those who trespass against us.”
“Forgive them Father for they know not what they do.”
“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us of our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”
Why do I keep writing it? Well I don’t know. I was listening to a podcast this morning and the guest was a rapper by the name of Pigeon John and he was talking about how forgiving ourselves and accepting the fact we are forgiven is hard. Some people live with guilt (like myself) and it eats away at our souls. Why? The hell if I know.
I talked in past post about not hearing God anymore and Pigeon John said something that intrigued me he said (and this is loosely quoted, but it went a little something like this) how would you feel if you know someone that was able to use the toilet but kept pissing on themselves? Yeah at first you would clean them up and insure them everything it okay but after months or years of them pissing on themselves you would get annoyed.
So how does God feel when I keep whining about the guilt from my sins? After screaming “Get up and move on with your life!” For months or years even He would probably stop listening. But God is so loving and caring. Yeah, he also destroyed cities.
My point is this, I need to get over my self and my guilt. My sin was, is and will be forgiven. I love Christ, I accepted Him as my Savior so why can’t I just let His forgiveness trump my guilt? That I don’t know and it probably has something to do with the way my brain works and I am sure they make a pill for it.
I want to walk away from the guilt of my sins. Every bad thought, every bad action, the time when I was 18 and I stole a computer from the place I worked. The fights I had with my mom, with my wife, thoughts of suicide, the self pity.
I have placed so much pressure on my soul it is broken. Now it needs to mend. I need to let go and just typing it out on a blog post won’t suffice I need it to really happen. I just don’t know where to start.
I think sin in itself can make a Christian stop and give up his religion. Not because he wants to sin but for the most part because he or she has broken themselves down by guilt so much that they give it all up.
“God came down became and human endured a incredible amount or pain and suffering, died went to hell and then came back for your piece of sin soul. Stop sinning you ungrateful piece of trash!” – My brain.
The Passions of the Christ was a bad movie for me to watch it only intensified my own shittiness.
I need to forgive myself and move on. It sounds easy to most but it will be a struggl for me. My wife is catholic and I asked her how does sin and forgiveness work in the Catholic Church. She summed it up to you go to the priest confess because the priest is your connection to God the priest gives you a pence and you do it and God forgives you.
I am not sure I fully understand that, I want to don’t get me wrong. I look at the catholic members of her family and they seem so happy and carefree. And I think maybe it is the way they are forgiven, you sin, you confess, you make up for your sin with action and you move on.
But John 14:6 is screaming in my face at full volume and the catholic process seems so wrong. But I am processing my faith and I need to leave the door open for any possibility. Even though it seem so wrong now maybe I will find it comforting later.
“I am the way the truth and the life, no one comes to the father but by me”
There are quite a few things to work though. And I think I am at the point where all the key issues with my religion are on the table in full few. I have deconstructed my faith without scripture and now I need to start putting in back together.
Until next time.